February 29, 2008: "A lot has happened in the tiny hours since I left off.
Rich and I are dating. We had our first date two nights ago. The next night we went to a party at a kid named Dan’s house. He kissed me. A lot. It felt really, really good."

I've been reading my old journal I kept, and from hundreds of pages of self-mutilating thoughts; saying horrible things and putting myself down; this is one of the few good things I wrote. Lately, though, since I got back from London, a lot of those old thoughts are coming up. I'm doing something to change it myself, though. Courtney and I are embarking on a mission. We're going to be going to the same gym, and we're going to seriously do this. Rich has been pretty good about helping me out when I put myself down; but I need to put this in my own hands. He's done two years of putting bandaids over my open esteem wounds, but it's my job to stitch them up now.

Ready, set, go.

So. This semester is going to be one of the best yet. I don't really count London as a semester; that was more of an excuse to spend all of my money going out four times a week, get drunk and get all of the party out of my system. I still say I had more of a college experience this past semester than any frat boy or sorority sister will in his/her entire college experience.

BUT, I'm determined to get straight A's this semester. While working my on campus job AND my off campus job. And maybe even start a gym regimen again (Gold's would be easy to go to, considering the hours and it's closer than the Y and doesn't smell like feet and naked old men). ANNND fit in some horseback riding. I miss that. That's more of a summer thing, though.

So, that's where I am. Giddy and a little liver damaged.

My room mate leaves Saturday morning to go back to the states... I just have to deal with her for the next day or so. I can't take her whiny way she goes "Panda?" hen her boyfriend calls. She thinks it's cool to talk to him without headphones so I can hear their entire conversation, and then type things to him occasionally like I'm listening in and their entire realtionship is like one big fucking what to do./ I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL I HAVE TO ROOM TO MYSELF> Granted, just for one day and night; but it will be SO awesome to be able to not have her online until 3 am. Like last night, I had a horrible migraine and she knows light bothers me and sound when I have them, yet she sayedup until like 3 typing with her screen poited towards me so the light would be bothering me. How passive aggressive is that?! She says she would never let a guy dictate her life, but one night she got drunk and her boyfriend told her to stop drinking and WHOOP, she did! Ugh.
She's just one huge contradiction. honestly.
Love her to death, but four months of being together for almost every second is driving me up a fucking wall.

I'm really, really scared to go home if this isn't already getting through.

I'm just paranoid, that's all; time to buckle down, because this week is going to be one huge, super-intense blow out cooking/singing/drunking(not so much for me)party party. Saying good bye to Gunduz, Alex, Johnathan, Jess, Hattie, Kendra and everyone else is going to be the hardest. I hope I did the right things.

I don't know if it's my confidence which is soaring; or just the way city life completely suites who I am. I love the fashion, the secret judegements, the men and women upstaging one another constantly. The guys over here are bold and caring; I wouldn't prefer any I've met for my one back home, though. A smile and a few drinks is as far as they get.

You do what you have to do to thrive. I'd say London has been given a run around.

I'm ready to come home, though. Just a few more things, hopefully I don't panic and fold.

I hate having to put in noise-cancelling headphones to escape from my own room.

I so sick of my room mate rolling around in her underwear for her boyfriend on webcam, whining, "Pandaaaaaa, I miss yoooooou!" She's ike a horny dog.

It's REALLY sick that I've been in the room for their entire relationship, since they didn't start 'dating' until we got over to London and he's back in Boston.

What I hate more besides the baby noises and the giggleing and the statying up util 3 am typing so I can't really sleep is the way she doesn't put headphones in. And then he types to her, so it's like I'M the one in the wrong because I'm the one who doesn't leave the room.

I talk to Rich for ten minutes a day some days and am completely okay with that. Why can't she realize she's being a huge time suck and when they break up in a month because he realizes she's cheated on him pretty much every tme we go out, she'll wonder where London went.

I feel sick and like crap and I have to put up with this shit for the next 19 days.

I hate having a room mate. THIS is why I commute to school.

You don't have to remind me every time we talk I'd "better make smart decisions" and "remember you'll have a curfew when you get home". Yes, mother. You've reminded me, mother. SO MANY TIMES, mother. I'm almost 20, and I'm the only one of ALL my friends who has to be home at a certain time. It will be midnight and we're all just hanging out, and I'll have to leave because I have to go a mile down the road to pacify her. I hate how she treats me like I'm fifteen. HATE it. I think she takes those "It's 10:00 pm, do you know where your child is?" campagns a little too seriously. I mean, negotiating curfew is something you do when you're sixteen, not nearing twenty. And just because I'm on my own she has to remind me. No way. I know I'll be living at home for at least four more years, because I have to do grad school in order to be able to teach, and won't be able to afford my own place unless I get a roomate or five. I'm very grateful to my parents for all they do. But... curfew? Seriously? Having to know where I am every second? Having to sleep over Allie's house every time we want to catch up past 1 am? I feel like I'm growing away.

Doing anything is possible with a boyfriend who's willing to stay on the phone with you for two hours while you throw up. 3,000 miles away, and he still finds ways to care. I daresay he is a God in the wake of my world.

John Mayer, Skype, baseball hats and Taco Bell all remind me of him, as well as my teddy bear with the plaid armband and every show I go to see. He is encouragment and my biggest supporter, friend and love. When he picks me up from the airport... that kiss will be the most romantic, hurried and passionate in all of history.

That's all.

Day eight, and it's practically flying by.

This place is amazing.
We've made friends with the Indian couple who runs and food & wine store in the tube.
They give us free stuff that comes from their magazines.
Yesterday was free tubes of coconut hair mask.